Reading time: 10 Minutes
When we experience painful situations in life, we humans tend to resort to a tried-and-tested survival strategy. And this strategy rarely involves retreat or resistance - instead, it involves
adaptation. This makes sense: if we look at the animal world, we see the same patterns: animals that can adapt to different weather
conditions and circumstances are more likely to survive. And they prevail in the long term.
Even though we humans have a part of ourselves that clearly distinguishes us from the animal world, these mechanisms are still very similar. They are part of our instincts.
However, what can save our survival in the short term can harm us in the long term.
Adaptability should be understood as a tool - a tool that allows us to distance ourselves from our inner truth, our behavior, or our identity when circumstances require it. This is helpful and
useful - as long as we master the tool, and not the tool us.
If we adapt too long or too often, we lose touch with ourselves. What may sound trivial at first can have far-reaching consequences in our everyday lives. Those who lose touch with themselves no longer know what they actually need or want. It is like a person steering a ship on the high seas – without a
compass and without knowing how to steer a ship.
Not being in touch with yourself is not just a spiritual saying. It can lead to us living a life that is not our own. It can prevent us from recognizing our true talents, finding hobbies that
fulfill us, or living in a relationship that really suits us - the list goes on and on. At the end of the day, it means that our joy in life can slowly fade away.
The dangerous thing about conformity is that it often comes unnoticed and creeps up on us. At first, we react out of a survival instinct - and then it becomes the norm. We change, sometimes
imperceptibly, in order to live with what is actually not good for us. We get the deceptive feeling that everything is fine - even though it is not.
What's more, we often forget or repress what actually hurt us.
We still live in a world where many believe that only “real” trauma leaves a mark – and that it has to be something big, dramatic, something that shatters your whole life. But painful
experiences that force us to adapt are not always loud. They are quiet. For example, things that were missing. Things we didn't know – and therefore couldn't miss. Or small experiences that would
have been harmless on their own – but left deeper and deeper marks through constant repetition.
Because we don't have a name for such things, we rarely talk about them. They seem “normal” to us, not worth mentioning. And that's exactly what makes it so difficult to recognize them for what
they are: pain that has remained - even though we thought we had left it behind long ago.
The society we live in rarely does us any favors in this regard: Strength is often confused with control, and sensitivity with weakness. Coping strategies are considered a success – sometimes so
much so that we are admired for our “great personality.” Healing hardly ever comes up as a possibility. It seems too painful, too uncomfortable. And so we end up in a mindset that encourages us
to optimize ourselves – but not to truly encounter ourselves. In other words, adaptation is presented as more attractive than healing.
As if that weren't enough, there is another crucial side effect of our adaptation:
We not only lose touch with ourselves. We also actively ensure that it stays that way. By adapting to external circumstances, we ensure that
they do not change. We ourselves become part of the problem. Although we don't want to, we reinforce the very thing that has actually harmed us.
Once we have thought this through, we probably end up with a crucial question.
What could be a way out of this?
How can I find healing instead of coping?
As with so many things, the healthy path does not begin with a radical change, but with a first step. And in this case, that step is looking inward. Being willing to be open and honest with
ourselves. Listening to ourselves and seeing ourselves as we are.
In practical terms, we can do the following:
1. Write down what hurt us. It doesn't have to be anything big or dramatic. Often, the first thing that comes to mind - no matter how small
it seems - is exactly what sits deepest.
2. Write down what meaning we have given to these experiences. What have we “learned” from them? How did we interpret the situation? What
conclusions did we draw about ourselves? Probably that we were “too...” And that we should change that.
3. Write down what we have changed. What was our reaction to the experience? Have we become quieter? More controlled? More withdrawn? What
has changed emotionally, what has changed in our behavior?
4. Now it gets interesting: We look at what we wrote down in the third step—and ask ourselves honestly: Are we like that? Does that feel
right? Do we want to be like that? Can we stand behind what is written there?
If the answer is “no,” then we are probably living an adaptation strategy that does not correspond to our true core. And here we do ourselves a favor by questioning whether we want to continue
this way. Whether we want to adapt at the expense of circumstances - or whether we want to create an environment in which we can truly be ourselves.
This requires three things:
Awareness to see ourselves as we are.
Courage to face pain and fear.
And a willingness to let go of old patterns and beliefs.
This is not something that happens overnight—and it doesn't have to.
Rather, it should be understood as a continuous process. Life is in a state of constant change. There will always be situations that require us to adapt. The question is: Will it remain a
short-term, necessary reaction - or will we carry the consequences with us throughout our lives?
This process is not about working through something.
Nor is it about “fixing” something within ourselves.
It's about being a good companion to yourself in life. You can imagine it as an inner voice that you stay in regular contact with. As an
openness to see ourselves as we are – and to stand up for ourselves.
It's a path on which we repeatedly decide to stay true to ourselves.
Even when it's uncomfortable.
And perhaps that is precisely the contribution we can make to this world: learning to see ourselves as we truly are. So that we don't pass on what has hurt us. Instead, we allow something new to
emerge - in us, through us, for others.