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Author: Christina Rohde (learn more)
📖 Lies diesen Artikel auf Deutsch → Selbsterkenntnis ist kein Selbstoptimierungsprojekt
Self-awareness and self-improvement are often conflated. We see this especially in the digital world, which is virtually impossible to avoid these days. Particularly in the age of social media, we are constantly being told what we should do: how we function, how we behave, and which patterns we should “correct.” The transition from “this is who you are / how you behave” to “this would be better” is almost seamless. A few examples:
- When we look into our diet, we’re usually immediately told what’s wrong with it and what we should do better.
- When we read about attachment styles, we’re usually immediately told what’s wrong with each style and what we should learn.
- When we discuss ways we could be more productive, we immediately get the message that we should definitely do that.
There’s nothing wrong with that in itself. Because it’s often helpful to know what the options are - especially those that are healthier for us and that benefit us in the long run.
However, the line between a suggested possibility and a subconscious expectation is often not so easy to draw. Because all too quickly, we’re given the message: “Now that you know, you should act on it.” And that’s not a possibility - it’s an expectation.
Expectations can be harmful, and in a big way: Not only can they create unnecessary pressure and make us feel like we have to prove ourselves, but they can also simply be wrong for us. After all, not every piece of advice we hear or read is right for us. But almost worse still: Expectations also stand in the way of healthy self-acceptance. They can undermine it and make us dependent on being kind to ourselves only under certain conditions. Or make us believe we must accept every piece of advice we come across. Those who constantly measure and correct themselves easily forget to be their own best friend - and each of us deserves that.
Incidentally, this dynamic isn’t triggered solely by messages from other people. It’s also possible that, when we lack self-acceptance, we project exactly these things onto everything we read and hear. This isn’t about assigning blame, but rather about making it clear that this trap exists everywhere. But the good news follows immediately: just as ubiquitous as the problem is, so is the solution. And that is:
Pause for a moment between perception and action.
As soon as you recognize or learn something about yourself, allow yourself to simply let it be as it is for now.
- Is your diet not providing you with enough nutrients? Great - you’ve realized that. That’s the first important step. Maybe you’d like to take some time to think about what you could do to change that - on your own, with others, or perhaps by signing up for a cooking class so you can learn something new right away.
- Is your attachment style holding you back from healthy relationships? Wonderful - you now know how you tick on the inside. Maybe you’d like to get to know that better first before you work on it. And have a little fun understanding how irrational we humans can sometimes be.
- Do you realize that you’re wasting time that you could be using more meaningfully? Ideal. Maybe take a moment to feel any regret you might have about missed opportunities. And let your imagination run wild about what would truly bring you joy in the long run and in what context productivity actually feels good.
All these examples have one thing in common: It’s not about compulsive self-optimization. Nor is it about destroying, repressing, or annihilating something within yourself. It’s about accepting it first. Seeing it for what it is. Saying: “Okay, it might not be pleasant or what I want - but that’s where I am right now.”
You can allow yourself to settle into this state and simply stay there for a while - feel free to take joy in your insights - before you start thinking about how to move forward. It’s essentially an act of kindness toward ourselves: a conscious pause, an act of seeing, an act of understanding - pretty much exactly what we often wish for from other people.
While self-optimization often follows the urge to meet expectations, self-awareness is more like drawing back a curtain to reveal a landscape: You see what’s there, what paths are possible, which direction you could take. It’s not meant to force immediate decisions.
The gift of self-awareness is freedom:
- You get to consciously choose for yourself what to do with it.
- You are free to define what is right for you.
- You are allowed to take your time with this.
- You are allowed to say no to advice if it doesn’t fit, no matter how reasonable it sounds.
- And you are also allowed to change your mind if your perspective changes.
We humans are individuals, and times are different: What suits one person may not suit you. And what didn’t suit you two years ago might suit you today.
Making our lives healthier, more fulfilling, and more authentic is a fundamental human need - and it holds great potential. The key is that we do it out of a sense of freedom and self-determination, for the things that truly bring us joy. Then it becomes a conscious choice that takes us exactly where we want to go.
With that in mind: Feel free to think about what you can take away from this article - and you’re welcome to ignore anything that isn’t helpful to you. :-)