Reading time: 8 minutes
Author: Christina Rohde (learn more)
📖 Lies diesen Artikel auf Deutsch → Wofür stehst Du? Über den stillen Einfluss unserer Werte
There are moments in life when we make a decision that looks completely right on paper - and yet somehow feels strangely wrong. Maybe we try to convince ourselves, listing all the arguments in
its favor, but that quiet nagging feeling inside - that something just isn’t quite right - won’t go away.
There are also moments that feel different: We decide on something, and it doesn’t even occur to us to doubt it because it feels so right. Even if it’s seen as unreasonable from the outside, we
know that it’s the right decision for us.
As different as these moments may feel, they share a common core. Because when making decisions, we draw on something that runs very deep within us - something we rarely examine directly but use
constantly: namely, our value system.
We always orient ourselves - the question is just by what
Talking about values can quickly sound a bit abstract. It seems theoretical and almost sounds like philosophy. After all, in everyday life we rarely think about which value is guiding us at any
given moment - we simply act.But just because we aren’t aware of our value system doesn’t mean it isn’t there. On the contrary: our values run deep, are constant, and very consistent. They are
linked to our experiences, beliefs, coping strategies, and needs. They continuously guide our decisions because they help us prioritize, categorize, and set a direction.
Most of the time, we are not actively aware of this process. It takes place in our subconscious, and that is an advantage at first glance. After all, if we were to weigh every single detail of
every decision, we would likely spend more time thinking and sorting than actually taking action.
The fact that the process runs subconsciously is, therefore, surprisingly efficient at first glance. However, it also carries a risk: If we don’t know what our value system looks like, we don’t
know what we’re actually guided by - and whether that’s something we truly want, or something that has simply grown on us.
The risk of unconscious values
We likely always have subconscious values. But conscious values help us set a course for ourselves that aligns with our inner nature. If we don’t engage in self-reflection, our entire sense of
direction remains an invisible process. And this process continues to unfold in the background - whether we pay attention to it or not.
Our values often take shape early in life. And rarely because we consciously choose them. Usually, it’s a mix of experiences we have and the resulting beliefs. We might then strive for
recognition because we’ve learned that attention from others is somehow “important.” Or we avoid conflict because we learned early on that some people don’t take it well at all when we’re too
honest. The values we develop as a result usually remain invisible. If we were to put them into words, they might look something like this:
- Receive recognition
- Maintain peace
- Be liked
- Don’t stand out
We then use these values as a guide on an ongoing basis. We make decisions based on what matters to us. And as efficient as this process may be, it isn’t necessarily effective. All too often, we
have experiences or adopt beliefs that don’t align with our core values - or that simply aren’t good for us. Perhaps they hold us back and are based on a few “random” experiences, even though our
inner nature and self-expression are striving for something entirely different.
In that case, our value system is like a navigation system set to the wrong destination. We’re using a map, we know the way - but our destination is wrong.
Discovering your own true values
To set the right destination, we first need to know where we actually want to go. If we’ve never really examined our values, there’s a high probability that we’re still navigating life with many
beliefs we’ve adopted from our surroundings. And even if we’ve reflected on them before, it’s worth taking a closer look at our own value system every now and then. Because none of us is truly
static - life changes, and so do we. What convinced and served us ten years ago may be something we can let go of today.
It’s worth taking some time to reflect on this topic and ask yourself what values you hold and what values you truly want - and then see where there are overlaps and differences. You can use the following questions to get to know your value system:
- Which past decisions feel right in hindsight? What guided me when I made that decision?
- Which past decisions feel wrong in hindsight? What guided me in making that decision?
- Once you’ve identified a value (e.g., authenticity, harmony, honesty): Do you know where this value comes from? Does standing up for this value make you feel good?
- Does it feel good to accept even uncomfortable consequences when you remain true to this value?
- Is the value morally charged—something considered “good” or “right” in our society? Does that possibly distort your view of this very value?
- What behavior in other people triggers intense anger in you? Which value do you feel is being violated in that situation?
- Do you know other people who share similar values? Do you feel uncomfortable or safe around them?
Knowing your own values is often a combination of two things: getting to know ourselves better and listening to our inner voice - and realizing where we actually want to go in life. It is a blend
of discovery and self-creation that continually influences and reinforces one another.
Values that truly sustain us
There are two factors that significantly influence how well our value system works for us.
The first factor is whether the values are truly our own. The questions mentioned above help you figure out exactly that. If a value is truly ours - that is, if it aligns with our authentic self
- we are usually willing to accept even uncomfortable consequences for it. It feels right because our value takes priority.
The second point is that values usually serve as good guides when they are ones that are actually within our control. For example, if our value is “being popular,” we can align everything we do
with that goal and work toward it - but in the end, we have no control over what other people really think of us or how they see us. In doing so, we unnecessarily limit our self-efficacy - the
feeling of having control over something and being able to make a difference.
If, on the other hand, our value were “being authentic,” that would be something we could put into practice at any time. That doesn’t mean it would always be without consequences or easy. But in
fact, we have the ability to do it.
Ideally, our values are therefore something within our own power. Then they not only give us a firm sense of direction and solid ground beneath our feet, but also serve as a map that actually
leads us somewhere in the end.
What we stand for - and what we say “no” to
When we know our values, we don’t just know what we stand for. We also know what we say no to. And this part is just as important as the first.
We can never experience everything in life. And if we try, it literally drains our energy. It blurs our boundaries and, in any case, our sense of direction. If we want to stand for something, it
requires, at the same time, rejecting something else - namely, everything that does not align with our goals and values.
If honesty is truly important to us, then we tell the truth even when a white lie would be more convenient. If peace of mind truly matters to us, then we turn down an enticing opportunity that
would disturb our own peace.
(If you’re unsure whether a “no” to a decision stems from your values or from fear or defiance: A “no” that comes from a clear “yes” to something else feels confident, calm, and even empowering.
If we start justifying ourselves, it’s worth taking a closer look.)
A learning process that can be easy
The distinction described above not only makes it easier for us to make decisions, it also ensures that we make the ones that are right for us. Nevertheless, examining our own value system can
quickly become overwhelming. Perhaps we’ve never really thought about it before, or we realize that we’re not actually living according to the values we truly want to uphold.
The important thing to remember is this: having a coherent value system is neither a task nor a requirement. It’s something we’re allowed to discover and experience in order to lead a life that
feels more true to ourselves.
So if you find that a lot is still unclear to you or that you aren’t truly living your true values yet, there’s no reason to worry or feel pressured to perform. See it as an opportunity: you’ve
found something where you can let loose - and with which you might be able to steer your life more in a direction that feels right for you.
Knowing your own values and living by them is a lifelong process. Some values shift over the years, while others remain stable for decades. Living by some values comes easily to us, while others
pose a significant challenge based on our past experiences. And that’s perfectly fine. We can’t “fulfill” or “not fulfill” a value. Values are a guide. And if we want to adjust our behavior and
decisions accordingly, that, too, is a process.
For example, if you’ve been an enthusiastic user of white lies up until now and have realized that honesty means much more to you in the long run, you probably won’t change your behavior
overnight. And that’s not necessary at all. It’s enough to keep reminding yourself of this. And to move forward in small steps. When the next harmless white lie is about to slip out, you can
simply try to be honest. And in this way, bit by bit, gather your experiences of what it’s like to live by values that are truly your own.
Conclusion: Values as a self-designed compass
We all have a value system. The only question is whether it guides us without us even realizing it, or whether we consciously take it into our own hands. If we choose the conscious path, we gain
direction, solid ground beneath our feet, stability, and something that extends far beyond ourselves - something that supports us in living a life that fulfills us.