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Author: Christina Rohde (learn more)
📖 Lies diesen Artikel auf Deutsch → Empathie ist nicht automatisch Fürsorge
We often assume that other people perceive the world in much the same way we do. If we are someone who can empathize with other living beings, we instinctively assume that other people can do the same. We usually don’t even question it, because to us it’s simply “normal.”
When we find ourselves in a situation where someone close to us hurts us with their behavior, we usually have a very healthy impulse at first: We want to explain what hurt us.
Why do we do that?
We do this because we are deeply convinced that it wasn’t intentional. Because we don’t want to hurt the people close to us, we instinctively assume that they want the same for us. So when they hurt us, we assume it’s a misunderstanding:
- “He just doesn’t understand me.”
- “She didn’t mean any harm.”
- “We just need to explain our respective perspectives better.”
We then seek a conversation to resolve this state of misunderstanding or lack of understanding. Sometimes it works right away - and usually, the resulting problem is then resolved for good. In such cases, we can safely assume that the pain caused was indeed simply the result of a lack of communication.
But all too often, such conversations quickly turn into repetitive cycles. Even after we’ve talked it through, the problem keeps coming back. Perhaps it disguises itself in various forms and manifestations, creeping back into our relationships time and again. Emotionally, we often experience this as intense frustration or anger:
- “I don’t know how many more times I have to explain this.”
- “I’ve really said this 100 times already.”
- “What’s so hard about understanding that?”
When we reach this point, alarm bells usually start ringing - but we’ve often been trained well enough to ignore them. Yet they’re sounding for good reason. Because when someone close to us hurts us with their behavior, we quickly make two mistakes. The first mistake:
We assume that the person feels just as much empathy for us as we do for them - and that they care just as much about our well-being as we do about theirs.
This may be a simple mistake, but it’s one with far-reaching consequences. We project our own perspective onto others instead of seeing them as they truly are. We close our eyes to reality to some extent when we find ourselves in a pattern of constant explanations - whether consciously or unconsciously.
When we are empathetic and can put ourselves in others’ shoes, it seems natural to us that others are capable of doing the same. Perhaps they just need a little more explanation or time. Or maybe we simply haven’t expressed ourselves clearly enough. But the reality is: there are people who simply have very little capacity for empathy.
They do not intuitively perceive how other people are feeling. They do not sense other people’s emotions. And they may not know what it is like to put themselves in another person’s shoes.
People who possess these traits are not bad people. They simply act from a completely different perspective, one that is initially difficult for empathetic people to grasp. And this is precisely where it pays for compassionate people to use their own ability: by seeing the person as they are - whether we like it or not.
But let’s assume we’re actually dealing with an empathetic person (which tends to be the case more often, since presumably the majority of people are empathetic). Here, too, there is a small trap waiting for us, one we can easily fall into. The second mistake is: We think that empathy is the same as caring.
In our minds, it sounds logical: We understand how another person feels, and if they’re feeling bad, we feel the urge to help them. Just as many people feel the urge to help an injured animal when they see one.
What feels like one thing to us is actually two. It is the combination of an ability (empathy) paired with an intention (care). And even though they are closely linked for many of us, they don’t have to be.
There are people who are perfectly capable of empathy but simply have no interest in acting in any way that is caring, supportive, or affectionate. Perhaps toward other people in general, or just specifically toward us. They can understand others’ pain - and tolerate it at the same time. They do not react to others’ emotional pain, and they certainly do not change their behavior. Because they simply do not want to, or their condition does not allow it. So the ability is there. But the intention is not.
There are many reasons for this. And here, too, it has nothing to do with people with these traits being “worse.” Sometimes they are indeed just temporary states that a person can overcome. Sometimes they are permanent. Either way, it usually stems from the fact that people with these traits are driven internally by fear or emptiness - even if these feelings are deeply buried. They feel, or find themselves in a situation where there is “not enough” - not enough space, resources, security, understanding, or control. This makes their focus more self-centered. Often, this stems not from ignorance, but from a will to survive, a distortion of reality, or a need for protection.
So, on a certain level, it is entirely understandable - especially if we ourselves are empathetic and can put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. Yet even if we can and should understand this: It does not change the fact that the lack of intention for healthy care harms both the other person and the connection itself.
It is impossible to build or maintain a healthy connection with someone if they do not genuinely care about our well-being. No matter how much effort, time, and understanding we invest - a relationship only works when both parties are interested in the other’s well-being. Otherwise, it remains a one-way street, where the investment is, unfortunately, rarely worthwhile. And where we lose more than we might initially want to admit.
As uncomfortable as reality may be: the sooner we accept it, the sooner we can find a way to deal with it that works for us. This may mean simply stepping back or even a breakup. We don’t have to make such decisions in haste. However, we do ourselves a favor by grappling with these thoughts and stopping acting out of our own illusions.
In the situation itself, we often find it difficult to recognize these patterns because we are direct participants in the events. That’s why it’s helpful to keep certain warning signs in mind - not as decision-makers, but as clues to where we can direct our attention:
- We talk and explain ourselves to death.
- We keep running into the same problem over and over again, in different forms.
- We constantly hope that our message will finally “get through” to the other person.
- We feel like the person we’re talking to is too “stupid” to understand anything.
- We feel like we’re investing too much or giving too much.
We should be especially vigilant when we’re not used to seeing different behavior from the person in question. Because then it points to a consistent character trait.
If we’re normally used to seeing different behavior from the other person, it can be helpful to examine the situation more closely. Extreme stress or a shift in dynamics may be at play here. The chances of restoring a healthy balance are higher here - but there is no guarantee. Hope should not make all pain tolerable.
It can be incredibly liberating to see things clearly for what they are, even if it’s painful at first. When we find ourselves in such a situation, we can view it as a call from life to sharpen our focus: on ourselves, our needs, our surroundings, and other people. For clear vision frees us from the cycle of constantly trying to explain, hoping, and investing. We let go of an idea that may never have been reality or is no longer reality.
And in doing so, we open ourselves up to new experiences that align with what we truly want to experience.